I met God today. A nice fella, really. He told me that I’ve been putting way too many hours into Kingdom Hearts II lately and that i should do something more useful with my time. He has after all given me a day off. It is something about God doing something some blue moons ago. To honor the memory of whatever he did, TV channels always rearrange their schedules this time of the year. Ordinary shows get a little Winter break while viewers have to endure the same piece of crap they always show around this time every year.

So I decided to fire up Garry’s Mod and play around with it. Wrecking trains and vehicles was fun at the beginning, but something did not feel quite right. Something was missing, someone was missing; I felt lonely.

So I asked God for a playmate and God created Ayane. Naturally I told her to lie down on the ground, but she refused. I turned to God, looked him in the eyes the way only men can do. “What the hell?”, exclaimed I. God looked at Ayane and shook his head in disapproval.

“Know thy place, woman”, said God and created Kasumi out of my rib. And I knew Kasumi; but she did not bare my child because my seeds of love were destined to be trapped in an elastic balloon and never to reach the innermost part of Kasumi’s sacred ground. The world was once again at peace.

But that peace would not last very long. For in the darkest of shadows lurked the treacherous Ayane and at nightfall she kidnapped Kasumi. For six days and six nights I searched and at the dawn of the seventh day I found Kasumi. But it was not the Kasumi I had once known — on top of her was Ayane.

Far away from the protecting walls of civilization, the sick mind of a misandrist had corrupted and tainted the heart of Kasumi. Who was I to blame for the weak hearts of women? That is when I remembered another thing God had once told me: “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it.” I laughed. And then fapped, I fapped like I had never fapped before. I was happy. For subdue it I would.

This is the part where it gets a little bit… messy. I would like to keep this story as clean as possible, but I can mention that it involves danger zones, a crowbar and forceful penetration.

And that is the story of how I lost my arms and one eye. Anyone still with me? Here is what I made in Garry’s Mod:
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